This is a monologue I wrote in my creative writing class yesterday. Unedited, raw and in fifteen minutes flat. Yep! you got it, don’t judge 
I cannot quite tell the colour of her eyes. I see green, tiny patches of soft china blue, green, more green and a smidge of yellow.
Eyelashes curled and tinted, defined! I could stare endlessly, lost in the iris… the pupil… the visible part of her retina. Back onto her eyelashes… focussing one by one… there! That one had missed the mascara and the one after blobbed together with a few. Should I tell her? Should I let her know?
My focus gradually shifted to the outer part of her eye — the circumference, which seemed to resemble a cycling ring — oblong and eye shaped. The tracks yellow and pink and a touch of flesh colour. I was on track three. Racing, panting, sweating, pumping every bit of adrenaline into the pedals of my bicycle. The wind cutting through the sides of my torso. I was close to lead. There was a lot of noise and cheer in the background. I won the race. Exhausted. Totally spent!
I pulled up the bottle of chilled pink champagne and poped it open. The cheer deafening. It disturbed her. She blinked in slow motion. I smiled in adoration of her jubilant green eyes.
Yes there was green, tiny patches of soft china blue, green, more green and a smidge of yellow.
Heres the feedback I received in class, feel free to add yours in.
Lovely descriptive bits. You got so much into this. Lovely imagery. you’ve painted a picture in words.
Colourful, but a bit confusing, strong associations, sincere, needs some editing.
Beautiful + poetic imagery. A nice set of images for a short film piece - or to have graphical images with. Surreal + abstract - the obsession withthe eye going on to cycling.
I liked the detail and description and i liked the use of short sentences. i liked the comparision with a racing course.
Poetic - beautiful image and attention to detail about the eye. Nice contrast with the cycling too.
Your writing is very good at allowing the reader to see what you see. that is half of the battle!
I was confussed where we were… looking at someones eye and eyelashes and then pink champagne… very poetic though.
So delicately intimate Amit, I really loved reading it. And yes, there is something of the surreal there as well. And most of all, extremely original. Intimacy and surrealism are both very hard to put into words without resorting to cliché: well done on treading this path! More like this!
that is realy nice and descriptive, i cant say anything that your tutor hasnt already said pertfectly, but i can let you know i loved it.
its perfect.
keep it flowing amit. and never delete anything you write. not if its as nice, and true to the heart as this.
-j